20/Feb/2010 - A letter to Sue

Initially this should be a private letter to Sue but somehow I feel other new cancer patient should read it too. So I put this here

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Hi Sue,

Good to hear that you start your treatment immediately. I know you are still working that why I decided to write to u. 6 month ago my doc told me "Chemo will create a lot of stress to u, and u cannot handle it". That time I just laugh at him, coz he dunno me yet. I m a black-belt teakwondo fighter. I tell him I can handle pain very well (yes in fact I do, we expected to recover from pain in 10 seconds and continue to fight). Doc told me it is not the physical pain, but with mental pain too. I don't get what he mean by that...

As when I m having my first 3 chemo treatment, it was like a game for me. I can cope very well. Now from the 4th chemo onward, it is somewhere in Oct or Nov 2009, 1 of the staff left my company haven't fins the replacement yet. The work piles up. And I feel very "heavy" and trust me, it is really "heavy". Luckily I go online every night and talk to my friends to reduce my stress.

And now the dark part of me, as u all know I m travel by train. When going to work I walk slowly, with the crowd to my office. And after work, my tired body and soul waiting for the train. I often spend my time napping in the train station. Every time when I see the train coming, I m smiling. I will stand very close to the rail. Not because I want to get a nice spot to get on the train, but I do hope there is a hand to push me down to the rail and crushed by the train! Yes that is what I m thinking at that moment, everyday! My body and soul is so heavy and if I die I will release all the problems. And since it is crushed by train, that will be classified as accident. My family will get the insurance claim. Luckily me there is no "helping hand" to push me down and I m writing to you now.

Now thinking back the urge to be killed I notice something, it is not easy to die. You need strong courage for it. But to stay alive u will need a even stronger courage.

Talk to ur boss now, ask him to find you a temp replacement for 6-9 month, so u can focus on ur treatment. If ur boss want to sack u for ur illness, then it is not worth to work for him. If ur boss try to get rid of u when u have lesser value to him, will u still want to work for this kind of boss? Trust me when ur body feel "heavy" like my time it will be too late to talk to ur boss to find replacement, coz it need time. Then i hope u will not feel the urge "to get killed" or "commit suicide" like me.

A person mistake should be others lesson. Now I m repeating what my doc say to me 6 month ago "U dunno how much is the stress yet, and u cannot cope with that". I m still laughing now, but laughing at my silly self.