20/Feb/2010 - A letter to Sue

Initially this should be a private letter to Sue but somehow I feel other new cancer patient should read it too. So I put this here

---

Hi Sue,

Good to hear that you start your treatment immediately. I know you are still working that why I decided to write to u. 6 month ago my doc told me "Chemo will create a lot of stress to u, and u cannot handle it". That time I just laugh at him, coz he dunno me yet. I m a black-belt teakwondo fighter. I tell him I can handle pain very well (yes in fact I do, we expected to recover from pain in 10 seconds and continue to fight). Doc told me it is not the physical pain, but with mental pain too. I don't get what he mean by that...

As when I m having my first 3 chemo treatment, it was like a game for me. I can cope very well. Now from the 4th chemo onward, it is somewhere in Oct or Nov 2009, 1 of the staff left my company haven't fins the replacement yet. The work piles up. And I feel very "heavy" and trust me, it is really "heavy". Luckily I go online every night and talk to my friends to reduce my stress.

And now the dark part of me, as u all know I m travel by train. When going to work I walk slowly, with the crowd to my office. And after work, my tired body and soul waiting for the train. I often spend my time napping in the train station. Every time when I see the train coming, I m smiling. I will stand very close to the rail. Not because I want to get a nice spot to get on the train, but I do hope there is a hand to push me down to the rail and crushed by the train! Yes that is what I m thinking at that moment, everyday! My body and soul is so heavy and if I die I will release all the problems. And since it is crushed by train, that will be classified as accident. My family will get the insurance claim. Luckily me there is no "helping hand" to push me down and I m writing to you now.

Now thinking back the urge to be killed I notice something, it is not easy to die. You need strong courage for it. But to stay alive u will need a even stronger courage.

Talk to ur boss now, ask him to find you a temp replacement for 6-9 month, so u can focus on ur treatment. If ur boss want to sack u for ur illness, then it is not worth to work for him. If ur boss try to get rid of u when u have lesser value to him, will u still want to work for this kind of boss? Trust me when ur body feel "heavy" like my time it will be too late to talk to ur boss to find replacement, coz it need time. Then i hope u will not feel the urge "to get killed" or "commit suicide" like me.

A person mistake should be others lesson. Now I m repeating what my doc say to me 6 month ago "U dunno how much is the stress yet, and u cannot cope with that". I m still laughing now, but laughing at my silly self.

04/Feb/2010 - Guide for New Cancer Patient

First of all be calm & relax. Welcome to the cancer society. Trust me cancer is not as terrible as what you think.

Here is a few tips that might be useful for you

1. Don't delay - small fire can be pull off easily. Bigger fire need more water and time to pull it off (means longer time and more money). And when fire turn into big flame, it will destroy everything (including life). Cancer won't heal by itself, it will only spread more if you wait longer.
   
2. I had mentioned before, when "caring friend" know you are sick, they tend to approach you to sell something. But if it make your condition worsen, those "caring friend" will not be beside you. Its your doctor who always beside you when you are sick
   
3. I started my treatment immediately. It take 6 month and cost RM20k. I had another mate, who is a survivor, but he wasted a lot of time and money (1 yr and spend almost $100k). Btw if you are young, you can do chemo and radio therapy together, only 7 week (and it is a really tough week)
   
4. During chemo, eat sufficient of meat to recover back loss cell. But don't over eat because you will be fat after that.
   
5. Radiotherapy is really a hard session, some patient stop for a period of time, which is not good, because cancer cell might grow back while you are resting. It is advisable to continuously blast them, so they have lesser chance to survive. I know it is hard in this stage, as I almost give up...
   
6. Socialize, having cancer don't mean you are isolated from the world. Talk to people and it will help to reduce the stress during treatment. And believe me, normal people like to listen to cancer story over and over and over and ... Everyday I chat with my friend online, telling them all the pains... and I feel much better after that
   
7. If can quit working, and fully focus on treatment. I had my painful lesson for my stubbornness (yeah doctor repeatedly ask me to quit my job)
   
8. ... (to be added)