22/Sep/2010 - The pain factory

My friend ask me since I m not working anymore why not I put some advertisement here to help to generate income for myself? I agree with him and here is the advertisement but not from Adsense but from Nonsense by King Kong Corp Craps.

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Breaking news! A new way to lose weight without diet or exercise

Introducing Xeloda the almighty pill
This can make u lose 3 kg in 1 month, no matter how much you can eat

Bonus
UFT capsule
This pill can make you diarrhea on your first week when you consume it

Both pill is certified by FDA USA

To order call 1-800-KING KONG
Limited stock, first come first serve basis

Testimony
Lai - I really lose a lot of weight after consuming the pill and it really works

This is a joke, both medicine is meant for cancer and have hell a lot of side effect

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I know a few female reader really cry after reading my blog. You should not be crying but smile with me coz I m still writing here. Previously I was in pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain (9 times). Now I m only in pain pain pain (only 3 times). Wow I m getting better, isn't it a good news to cheers up together instead you feel sad for me?

In my previous blog, I wrote "This is the hardest stage of my life.". Never cry wolf coz 1 day the wolf really come! When I consume the new medicine
1st week - diarrhea
2nd week - bone marrow suppression
3rd week - stomach organ swollen and make my stomach very full and pain
4th week - Finally after 4 days of pain, I go see my doc. He say the organ is filled with water. He give me some medicine for 5 days to reduce the water. Doc asked me to stop the chemo medicine first
5th week - Doc give me same medicine + steroid. A lot of water expel out from my body.
6th week - Smomach is less swollen now, but internal organ is still swollen and pain (this is pain factory all organ united to give me pain). Doc say it is getting better now and give me 2 week medicine and continue back the chemo medicine.

Now I had accepted pain killer as part of my medication. My stubbornness created so many pain for me and doc scold me like hell. I had gone thru the very very very pain and now with pain killer it is only pain and tired. So no worries.

195/Aug/2010- The road block

One day I went to a pub. I just had orange juice there. Of course my friend had beer and smoking there. Some how accident happen a glass of beer is splashed at me. I m soak wet. I m leaving early that day.

On my way back, gosh there is a road block. The police smell there is a strong alcohol from me and stopped me. They ask me to do alcohol breath testing. But the result was negative. Somehow they refuse to let me go and keep on asking me to do this and that test and a lots of question.

Finally they give up. They asked me to swear to my god that I didn't drink and they will let me go. I told them I m a free thinker. I asked "Do u have Quran or Bible with you?". He say no. He asked me to put my left hand n heart and right hand up to swear.

So I begin to swear. Dear God today I didn't drink. If WE drink alcohol or take coffee tonight, please strike the sinner with thunder.

In less then 0.0001 second, boom....the thunder strike, gosh I thought I m dead now. When I open my eyes, the police is down.


Disclaimer: This story is modified from my friend story

17/Aug/2010 - 6th Oral chemo

This is the hardest stage of my life. My body is totally unpredictable now. sometimes I sleep 40++ hours in 2 days. Sometimes I sleep 4 hours in 2 days. Sometimes very tired, sometimes hyperactive.

Finally I make it thru the final oral chemo medicine. But I never feel good about it. I gonna see my doc on 17/Aug. But before that, I called a few friend to have a last good meal session.

This is all the medicines I had for oral chemo


17/Aug/2010 - Visit to hospital
Today I go see my doc. He said my liver is not as swollen as before. I complain about back pain. He ordered me to go for x-ray scan. He still give me new medicine for 1 month. This medicine is a lighter (Monster Inc) compare to the previous medicine (Godzilla).

When I come back from hospital, I rest for a while, then goto local clinic for a ultra sound scan for liver. The doc got surprised when he saw my liver. He say what is this? It doesn't look like a liver at all??? I told him that now I m battling liver cancer. The doc say this is a "cannonball effect". There are too many holes in my liver, like being blast by a lots of cannonball. He told me better ask my cancer doc about my bones as this kind of situation, it can easily spread to bone. Now I know why I have back pain.

The hospital back bone scan result will be our tomorrow. I still don't feel good on that and be prepared to promote myself to bone cancer patient.

I had been drinking Kefir, a traditional drink origin from Tibet. My mom brew this from Tibetan mushroom called Kefir. You only need filtered water, sugar and Kefir. It can be ready in 4 days. Once there is a legend for this. Other site documented that this Kefir manage to reduce the tumor size. This Kefir is given free from patient to patient, but too bad some evil genius make business out of it and earn money from the sicken 1. Now I had to increase the volume of Kefir drink everyday. Another legend say 1 patient who doc have give up, go back and drink 6 liter a day and voila he had survived.

More info about Kefir
http://users.sa.chariot.net.au/~dna/kefirpage.html
http://www.patulong.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=53
http://www.happyherbalist.com/kefir.htm

19/Aug/2010 - The Back bone Scan Result
These 2 days I already expect for a bone cancer. Prepared myself to the worst. I called up the hospital. They say nothing serious with the back pain. It might caused by the medicine that I took. If it is too painful, just take some painkiller or do back o see the doc.

14/Jul/2010 - 1st year anniversary

Wow I had been battling this cancer for 1 year now. And I had 2 celebration with my friends. "WHAT??? Celebration?? r u nut???" my friend say. Well at least I m still breathing and writing here isn't it a good news?

Lately I sleep more and more than usual. My doc say it is normal coz at this stage (5th dosage) many of the body cell is killed and u will feel tired. I did tell him that once a week I will sleep for whole day long, only wake up for meal when I feel pain in my stomach (something almost near to gastric). And my sleeping record.. 2 days I sleep for 40++ hours, wake up time is only 4 hours for my lunch and dinner (45 min - 1 hour 30min), then go back sleep again.

Now I m at my 6th oral chemo, and next visit my doc say "We will see what is the next step later". His nurse told me in private, some patient might need to take until 9th dosage. I really feel so disappointed. I cannot take it anymore and hardly fight until 6th dosage, now someone told me, it might go till 9th dosage...

I told my mom yesterday, I really cannot cope with this medicine anymore. It make me so weak. Can I stop it? Of course my mom don't allow.

What cancer took away from me
1) Before nose sinus surgery, I m very fit. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. From a fit man I become a fat man
2) After completed my whole chemo and radio therapy, I started to play badminton and become from a lousy player to a good player in 5 weeks. Then doc say I still have liver cancer. I lost all my energy and have to give up badminton
3) My job, the last thing I have to give up.
4) My cancer fighting spirit???

I gonna finish my 6th dosage in 7 more days. I will upload the total of medicine I take in next post and don't be surprised.

Yesterday I watch "Letter to God" hope to inspire myself thru someone story, but it didn't help much. The kid didn't make it. His mom last word to him was "It is ok to let go (the life and go back to God)". At the end of the movie, there is a few survivor with their short story. But still a lot out there can't make it. I hope they will make a movie out of the survivor story to inspired all the other patients out there (not just cancer only).

Lets spend 5 min here praying for all the patients out there
God I m not sure if you exist or not, please help to protect the sick people, don't let them suffer so much. If you want them to survive, please heal them fast. Otherwise if you wish them to go back to you, please do it fast as it is doesn't feel good to suffer so long down here.

28/Jun/2010 - Lai detained by authority

Lai been caught by ISA for calling himself as White Indian in Malaysia. It is not a valid race according to Malaysia Law.

lSA: What is ur name?
Lai: Raja Lai Chin Lun
lSA: R u a King?
Lai: Nope
lSA: y u use Raja infront of ur name?
Lai: It is a very famous Indian name back in the 70-80's
lSA: Ohh is it. Ok u r suspected being connected to terrorism. Now I gonna ask u some question
Lai: What? What White Indian got to do with Terrorism? If US can have White wanna be Nigga, why not Malaysia have a Chinese wanna be Indian? R u racist?
lSA: I m here to ask u question, not to answer u.
lSA: R u a terrorist?
Lai: Nope
lSA: R u a terrorist?
Lai: Nope
lSA: R u a terrorist?
Lai: Nope, This is the 3rd times u ask me.
lSA: Just wanna double confirm.. ok
lSA: R u know terrorist (sorry for the poor English standard in gov agency, it sound like R u no terrorist)
Lai: Yes I no terrorist (I have to reply back in their standard, else they ask me 3 times again.)
lSA: So u know terrorist!!!
Lai: Yes I NO terrorist
lSA: Then u r terrorist!!!
Lai: How I can be terrorist if I no terrorist
lSA: Because u know Terrorist
Lai: Yeah, I told u already I no terrorist!!!
lSA: U know terrorist, that y u r terrorist
Lai: (this CCB try to play the 3 times games again!!!). Yes I no terrorist, and I dun wan to repeat this again

lSA: Ok r u want Malaysia?
Lai: Yes I m 1Malaysia
lSA: Why u want Malaysia?
Lai: Coz my leader say 1Malaysia!!!
lSA: So ur leader is terrorist and he want Malaysia
Lai: My leader is not terrorist and he is 1Malaysia!!
lSA: So u r terrorist!!!

15/Jun/2010- 3rd and 4th oral chemo

Still remember my car rim and tire was stolen during my 2nd chemo.

On my 3rd oral chemo, I suppose to travel to Ipoh for my sis wedding ceremony. But last minutes I call it off, coz my body is really weak cannot go for long distance travel. While my whole family goes to Ipoh I m left home alone. And I saw my car tire is flat. Well the hero (me) think, last year he can change it by his own, why not now? At the end it was a BIG mistake...

I had setup a cozy environment for myself, a stool and a fan. With everything prepared ok time to work now. I tried to loosen the nut. 1st attempt failed. 2nd attempt failed. My body is sweating and I take a rest in front of the fan and thinking. Ok time for 3rd attempt. Knowing myself if I wanna do it nothing can stop me. Arghh the nut is not moving.

Again I rest in front of the fan and think. There are 3 option available
1) Wait for my 70 yrs old dad to come back from Ipoh
2) Call my friend for help
3) The hero will fix it by himself

Well since I call myself hero, so I chosen step 3. I take an axe and a block of wood with me. I use the axe to knock against the wrench. First few knock nothing happen. Then I knock it even harder, wow it moved. I manage to loosen all nut and changed the tire. I m amazing right?

The day after, my whole body and bone aching. I sleep on the bed for a very very very long time. I still remember I had my breakfast/lunch @ 3pm. If I didn't get up and eat the meal, I might had gone case if I continue sleeping on the bed. Too exhausted. The price to pay for my own heroic pride is too high (almost cost my life). And I m all alone at home.

I m not Rambo, and not living alone in the jungle. At least 3 of my friend scold me like dog. They say just a simple call, they will come and help me to change it. I finally notice I live in a community and that is what a friend for.

ps: But if u know me well, u will know that I will not call unless it is too critical.

09/Jun/2010 - The Blessing pass on

I received a cheque donation in the past. It was a blessing money and I got blessed from it. I tried to donate this cheque out a few times, but got barred from my friend.

2 days ago, finally he fully agree for me to donate it out, coz this person need more blessing than I do. Today I top up the figure and wrote the cheque and pass the blessing to him.

Please read their story here and try to help baby Matthew.

25/May/2010 - The Result and The lesson

Last Wed conversation wif Dr - on my full body scan day (7/Apr/2010)
before scan
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Dr: Hi my hero, how r u feeling
me: I m good Dr.
Dr: Come, sit over there let me check on ur neck and throat
Dr: Well very good, the lump on ur neck is complete gone. The throat look good also
Dr: You can proceed to do the liver and lung scan

After scan
==========
Dr: Ur lung is clear, but there is something still left in ur liver. But this is not something new. We knew it since day 1 u were here.
Me: Dr what u plan to do
Dr: We will try to use oral chemo (medicine) to control it.
Me:(I m totally blank and speechless... just walk out from the office)


Mon conversation wif Dr - on my 1st admission to hospital for oral chemo (12/Apr/2010)
Me: Hi Dr, I need to know more abt my liver. What is the size of the infected area before chemo and after chemo
Dr: We dun realy measure the size. We will identify those area which got problem.
Me: Any diff to it before chemo and after chemo
Dr: Yes, before chemo it was in a solid form, but now it had been in liquid form.
Me: Ok, how abt my nose cancer? Anything still left?
Dr: No, ur nose cancer is completely settled.
Me: Last time you told me that u will use oral chemo (medicine) to control my liver, how long is the whole treatment till it cure?
Dr: No 1 can tell. It all depend on how ur body react to it.
Me: Any past record of shortest and longest time for treatment
Dr: There is no such patient record.
Me: How u gonna know the progress of the liver?
Dr: I know, I can feel it
Me: How u gonna feel it?
Dr: By touching it
Me: (what the fuck... magic????)
Me: Let say the liver don't react as per planned, any symptom that we can see?
Dr: No, liver is a big organ, it will functioning even 50% of it spoiled. You will only get symptom when the liver mulfunction.
Me: Seem like everything is uncertain now, no 1 can give any answer
Dr: Yes at this stage, no 1 can tell.
Me: So how should I tell my sis?
Dr: u wont tell ur sis. Ask ur sis to call me

My medicine
Oral chemo - Capecitabine
Supplement - Pyridoxine

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The Result
Nose cancer is completely cleared, and now battling liver cancer. Doc suggest to use oral chemo (medicine). Well medicine, I can swallow any pill, so it is just a small matter for me. But I forgotten 1 thing... it is called Oral CHEMO(it kill CELLS)

1st Dosage
On my 2nd day consuming the medicine, I already feel weak and requested to work from home. It did help. It save my energy used for travelling

2nd Dosage
Gosh, I got weaker and weaker, lose a lot of weight. There is 1 time I laid on the bed most of my time, my mom ask me why, I say I m very tired. My mom ask did u take sugar?? Ohh shit.. I didn't take sugar for 3 weeks. No wonder so tired

3rd Dosage
My doctor got so surprised when he see me lose weight tremendously. He weighted me, 53 kg, previously 58kg. He told me, there is 3 more dosage to go. Holly craps. I cannot take it anymore. I m really tired. I resigned from my job instantly. Luckily my boss agree to let me go as early as possible (it is less than 1 week).

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The Lesson
I have no problem taking medicine, so I hope can do it quietly. None of my family know about this and only a few close friend know. But cancer is still cancer. Never take it lightly. I mention before when the fire is small it can be handle easily, but when it turn into flame, then big shit ahead. I myself forgotten this.

I had told my family about this and today my mom cook me a whole meat meal, compare to last time whole vegetable meal. I need meat to generate blood that lost during the oral chemo.

So never hide anything from your family member.

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Side effect from the medicine
- numb at my finger
- freezing cold for 1-2 hours then sudden high fever for whole night long. It will gone next day.

I wrote this quite sometimes ago, and I hope it apply for me now
The day I have nothing,
actually I had everything
The day I start to get something
I had lost other thing
The day I have almost everything
I had left almost nothing

The day I stop chasing thing
I do some thinking and writing
The day when you are reading
You think I m bullshitting ???
The day...
Now I have nothing left, hope to get back everything for my body...

20/Apr/2010 - Give them a chance

Last weekend I was invited to join a disabled charity sales. I discovered something totally out from my expectation and must share it here with you.

Read the full story here

18/Apr/2010 - The Bomoh

In Malaysia we have a lot of spiritual practice. And we will call the them as Bomoh (Shaman). The story below is a true story, happen to my friend aunty. Both the aunty and uncle are a very well educated person.

My friend aunty was diagnosed with ovary cancer - last stage, critical and need to go for operation. But she is so scare to go for the operation. Somehow someone introduce them a Bomoh, who can perform a ritual to remove the infected ovary without any pain or scar. Of course she was like "Holly God thanks for answering my prayers".

After they pay the Bomoh $10,000 plus, he begin the ritual. She lie down, Bomoh sit beside her. Her husband and all family member sit opposite to witness the ritual. Bomoh put his hand to her waist, then pull out a organ that is still dripping with blood.

After the operation, the whole family beleive that the cancerous ovary were "removed". Few days later she can eat well and sleep well. Yippie I m cured... who need doctor...

The happiness don't last very long. 1 day she felt there is pain in her ovary. They try to contact the Bomoh, but not able to reach him. Finally she can't take the pain anymore and go to seek help from the doctor. The doctor took a scan and show to them, the ovary condition is worsening, must go for operation now. WHAT!!!??? But it is removed... Both are speechless, and she went for the surgery. I don't know how is her progress as I hear this from my friend.

No matter how smart are you, people always take advantage when you are in deep shit. No matter what happen, take a good rest. Don't think so much. Just do what you like in these few days, until your emotion is calm down. Then when your mind is calm, you can think well, all kind of possible solution. An overheated car engine can't run long, but if the engine is completely cooled down, it can run again. Same concept.

As for me, I will invite a few friend to go for dinner (which I called it as final good meal). I will keep on socialize with different group people, forgotten about my own problem, until my emotion is calm down. After that is crisis battling planning. Please contact me if you need help on this. This always work for me. All you need to think is the concept of the overheated car engine above. It just same like your brain.

Below is another disgrace of Malaysia bomoh cheating people money, but got exposed my expert from oversea. Btw I m a proud Malaysian because I m living in a decent way. Those are the people who make Malaysian disgrace.

Part 1


Part 2

08/Apr/2010 - The finale

Everything will come to the end, nothing will be forever. Guess this is the finale of my blog.

I went for a follow up check. The doctor took my body scan. I waited for the result for almost 1 hour. And the result is here...

Like I say nothing will be forever. What is the value of life, if you live in sadness for 99 years. Wouldn't it be good to live happily, even it is just 365 days- everyday is a happy day?

From now on, whether I live only 365 days, 5 yrs or 10 yrs, I will make sure that "Everyday is a happy day".

Cherish life and do charity.

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For new cancer patient, please add me in facebook (lai_1977@yahoo.com) and mail to me, I will reply as long as I m still breathing... as we have been chosen to be the God's Ambassador for cancer

20/Feb/2010 - A letter to Sue

Initially this should be a private letter to Sue but somehow I feel other new cancer patient should read it too. So I put this here

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Hi Sue,

Good to hear that you start your treatment immediately. I know you are still working that why I decided to write to u. 6 month ago my doc told me "Chemo will create a lot of stress to u, and u cannot handle it". That time I just laugh at him, coz he dunno me yet. I m a black-belt teakwondo fighter. I tell him I can handle pain very well (yes in fact I do, we expected to recover from pain in 10 seconds and continue to fight). Doc told me it is not the physical pain, but with mental pain too. I don't get what he mean by that...

As when I m having my first 3 chemo treatment, it was like a game for me. I can cope very well. Now from the 4th chemo onward, it is somewhere in Oct or Nov 2009, 1 of the staff left my company haven't fins the replacement yet. The work piles up. And I feel very "heavy" and trust me, it is really "heavy". Luckily I go online every night and talk to my friends to reduce my stress.

And now the dark part of me, as u all know I m travel by train. When going to work I walk slowly, with the crowd to my office. And after work, my tired body and soul waiting for the train. I often spend my time napping in the train station. Every time when I see the train coming, I m smiling. I will stand very close to the rail. Not because I want to get a nice spot to get on the train, but I do hope there is a hand to push me down to the rail and crushed by the train! Yes that is what I m thinking at that moment, everyday! My body and soul is so heavy and if I die I will release all the problems. And since it is crushed by train, that will be classified as accident. My family will get the insurance claim. Luckily me there is no "helping hand" to push me down and I m writing to you now.

Now thinking back the urge to be killed I notice something, it is not easy to die. You need strong courage for it. But to stay alive u will need a even stronger courage.

Talk to ur boss now, ask him to find you a temp replacement for 6-9 month, so u can focus on ur treatment. If ur boss want to sack u for ur illness, then it is not worth to work for him. If ur boss try to get rid of u when u have lesser value to him, will u still want to work for this kind of boss? Trust me when ur body feel "heavy" like my time it will be too late to talk to ur boss to find replacement, coz it need time. Then i hope u will not feel the urge "to get killed" or "commit suicide" like me.

A person mistake should be others lesson. Now I m repeating what my doc say to me 6 month ago "U dunno how much is the stress yet, and u cannot cope with that". I m still laughing now, but laughing at my silly self.

04/Feb/2010 - Guide for New Cancer Patient

First of all be calm & relax. Welcome to the cancer society. Trust me cancer is not as terrible as what you think.

Here is a few tips that might be useful for you

1. Don't delay - small fire can be pull off easily. Bigger fire need more water and time to pull it off (means longer time and more money). And when fire turn into big flame, it will destroy everything (including life). Cancer won't heal by itself, it will only spread more if you wait longer.
   
2. I had mentioned before, when "caring friend" know you are sick, they tend to approach you to sell something. But if it make your condition worsen, those "caring friend" will not be beside you. Its your doctor who always beside you when you are sick
   
3. I started my treatment immediately. It take 6 month and cost RM20k. I had another mate, who is a survivor, but he wasted a lot of time and money (1 yr and spend almost $100k). Btw if you are young, you can do chemo and radio therapy together, only 7 week (and it is a really tough week)
   
4. During chemo, eat sufficient of meat to recover back loss cell. But don't over eat because you will be fat after that.
   
5. Radiotherapy is really a hard session, some patient stop for a period of time, which is not good, because cancer cell might grow back while you are resting. It is advisable to continuously blast them, so they have lesser chance to survive. I know it is hard in this stage, as I almost give up...
   
6. Socialize, having cancer don't mean you are isolated from the world. Talk to people and it will help to reduce the stress during treatment. And believe me, normal people like to listen to cancer story over and over and over and ... Everyday I chat with my friend online, telling them all the pains... and I feel much better after that
   
7. If can quit working, and fully focus on treatment. I had my painful lesson for my stubbornness (yeah doctor repeatedly ask me to quit my job)
   
8. ... (to be added)
   

My Bucket List

I had listed the item below as my bucket list on my journey to find the meaning of life...

1. Appreciate life. Help other. Please join Facebook group 1Month 1Charity Group. Blog is here 1Month 1Charity Blog
   
2. Seek for God coz he never give up on me, why I give up on him?
   
3. ...(to be added)
   

20/Jan/2010 - 6th & 7th week radiotherapy - The Finale

Finally today is my last day of radiotherapy. I m really tired and exhausted. My treatment had become my treatment. I have not eat proper meal for 5 days due to my ulcer. I m extremely hungry, I even dreaming of eating today! These 5 days my mom blend all my food into juices, since I cannot chew.

How do I feel now? I m really tired. The feel is like I just finished 6 month marathon, I reach the end point on time, without any delay, and waiting for them (doc) to announce if I m qualify or not. Doc will only inform me my progress 6 week later from now. Yeah I will be a free man for 6 week.

Like every reality show, after the finale episode, there will be an interview session with the candidate, I m going to do it later.

a poem for this

10/Jan/2010 - 4th & 5th week radiotherapy

My body manage to cope with chemo treatment very well, less side effect. But this radiotherapy really test me to the MAX. I m not in good condition now. Below is the side effect from my radiotherapy:

1. My mouth ulcer from 2nd week is still here. It give me a painful meal each day. And I have problem talking too
   
2. Headache. On and off will have mild headache. There are 3 times where I have a really terrible headache right after the radiotherapy
   
3. My neck got burned really badly, the skin turn into gray colour and peeled off
   
4. Dry mouth, if I talk my mouth become dry even faster
   

I don't know why I am so vulnerable to radiotherapy. Normally the patient ulcer will start on 3rd week, mine started on 1st week (gosh, there are still 7 weeks to go!). There is a few times where I really broke down. Thinking back what doc say, he is right. There are too many stress to handle. That why he strongly advise to quit my job

1. Chemo stress - Not apply for me, but other will vomit and lose weight
   
2. Radiotherapy stress - create a lot of uncomfortable side effect
   
3. Work stress - Been working like mad since mid of Nov till now.
   
4. Traveling stress - travel between hospital and office, jam and tiring.
   

But I m very close to the end of the treatment (expected end of Jan 2010). I can't quit now, because I have gone too far - no turning back for me. Just hope the time will move very very very fast (REALLY!!!)

And not to forget, any patient out there, please resign and focus on your treatment. Its not easy (SERIOUSLY) to work and taking treatment at the same time. Like what my friend used to say to me,

Your persistent might help to win the battle, but you to lost your kingdom (life)

I wrote this all to prove that doctor is always right, better listen to them. Do I regret to continue working? I will say no because if I never try I never know.

And again for other patient who is reading this now, please quit your job and focus on the treatment first.