25/May/2010 - The Result and The lesson

Last Wed conversation wif Dr - on my full body scan day (7/Apr/2010)
before scan
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Dr: Hi my hero, how r u feeling
me: I m good Dr.
Dr: Come, sit over there let me check on ur neck and throat
Dr: Well very good, the lump on ur neck is complete gone. The throat look good also
Dr: You can proceed to do the liver and lung scan

After scan
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Dr: Ur lung is clear, but there is something still left in ur liver. But this is not something new. We knew it since day 1 u were here.
Me: Dr what u plan to do
Dr: We will try to use oral chemo (medicine) to control it.
Me:(I m totally blank and speechless... just walk out from the office)


Mon conversation wif Dr - on my 1st admission to hospital for oral chemo (12/Apr/2010)
Me: Hi Dr, I need to know more abt my liver. What is the size of the infected area before chemo and after chemo
Dr: We dun realy measure the size. We will identify those area which got problem.
Me: Any diff to it before chemo and after chemo
Dr: Yes, before chemo it was in a solid form, but now it had been in liquid form.
Me: Ok, how abt my nose cancer? Anything still left?
Dr: No, ur nose cancer is completely settled.
Me: Last time you told me that u will use oral chemo (medicine) to control my liver, how long is the whole treatment till it cure?
Dr: No 1 can tell. It all depend on how ur body react to it.
Me: Any past record of shortest and longest time for treatment
Dr: There is no such patient record.
Me: How u gonna know the progress of the liver?
Dr: I know, I can feel it
Me: How u gonna feel it?
Dr: By touching it
Me: (what the fuck... magic????)
Me: Let say the liver don't react as per planned, any symptom that we can see?
Dr: No, liver is a big organ, it will functioning even 50% of it spoiled. You will only get symptom when the liver mulfunction.
Me: Seem like everything is uncertain now, no 1 can give any answer
Dr: Yes at this stage, no 1 can tell.
Me: So how should I tell my sis?
Dr: u wont tell ur sis. Ask ur sis to call me

My medicine
Oral chemo - Capecitabine
Supplement - Pyridoxine

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The Result
Nose cancer is completely cleared, and now battling liver cancer. Doc suggest to use oral chemo (medicine). Well medicine, I can swallow any pill, so it is just a small matter for me. But I forgotten 1 thing... it is called Oral CHEMO(it kill CELLS)

1st Dosage
On my 2nd day consuming the medicine, I already feel weak and requested to work from home. It did help. It save my energy used for travelling

2nd Dosage
Gosh, I got weaker and weaker, lose a lot of weight. There is 1 time I laid on the bed most of my time, my mom ask me why, I say I m very tired. My mom ask did u take sugar?? Ohh shit.. I didn't take sugar for 3 weeks. No wonder so tired

3rd Dosage
My doctor got so surprised when he see me lose weight tremendously. He weighted me, 53 kg, previously 58kg. He told me, there is 3 more dosage to go. Holly craps. I cannot take it anymore. I m really tired. I resigned from my job instantly. Luckily my boss agree to let me go as early as possible (it is less than 1 week).

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The Lesson
I have no problem taking medicine, so I hope can do it quietly. None of my family know about this and only a few close friend know. But cancer is still cancer. Never take it lightly. I mention before when the fire is small it can be handle easily, but when it turn into flame, then big shit ahead. I myself forgotten this.

I had told my family about this and today my mom cook me a whole meat meal, compare to last time whole vegetable meal. I need meat to generate blood that lost during the oral chemo.

So never hide anything from your family member.

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Side effect from the medicine
- numb at my finger
- freezing cold for 1-2 hours then sudden high fever for whole night long. It will gone next day.

I wrote this quite sometimes ago, and I hope it apply for me now
The day I have nothing,
actually I had everything
The day I start to get something
I had lost other thing
The day I have almost everything
I had left almost nothing

The day I stop chasing thing
I do some thinking and writing
The day when you are reading
You think I m bullshitting ???
The day...
Now I have nothing left, hope to get back everything for my body...