Still remember my car rim and tire was stolen during my 2nd chemo.
On my 3rd oral chemo, I suppose to travel to Ipoh for my sis wedding ceremony. But last minutes I call it off, coz my body is really weak cannot go for long distance travel. While my whole family goes to Ipoh I m left home alone. And I saw my car tire is flat. Well the hero (me) think, last year he can change it by his own, why not now? At the end it was a BIG mistake...
I had setup a cozy environment for myself, a stool and a fan. With everything prepared ok time to work now. I tried to loosen the nut. 1st attempt failed. 2nd attempt failed. My body is sweating and I take a rest in front of the fan and thinking. Ok time for 3rd attempt. Knowing myself if I wanna do it nothing can stop me. Arghh the nut is not moving.
Again I rest in front of the fan and think. There are 3 option available
1) Wait for my 70 yrs old dad to come back from Ipoh
2) Call my friend for help
3) The hero will fix it by himself
Well since I call myself hero, so I chosen step 3. I take an axe and a block of wood with me. I use the axe to knock against the wrench. First few knock nothing happen. Then I knock it even harder, wow it moved. I manage to loosen all nut and changed the tire. I m amazing right?
The day after, my whole body and bone aching. I sleep on the bed for a very very very long time. I still remember I had my breakfast/lunch @ 3pm. If I didn't get up and eat the meal, I might had gone case if I continue sleeping on the bed. Too exhausted. The price to pay for my own heroic pride is too high (almost cost my life). And I m all alone at home.
I m not Rambo, and not living alone in the jungle. At least 3 of my friend scold me like dog. They say just a simple call, they will come and help me to change it. I finally notice I live in a community and that is what a friend for.
ps: But if u know me well, u will know that I will not call unless it is too critical.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
09/Jun/2010 - The Blessing pass on
I received a cheque donation in the past. It was a blessing money and I got blessed from it. I tried to donate this cheque out a few times, but got barred from my friend.
2 days ago, finally he fully agree for me to donate it out, coz this person need more blessing than I do. Today I top up the figure and wrote the cheque and pass the blessing to him.
Please read their story here and try to help baby Matthew.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
25/May/2010 - The Result and The lesson
Last Wed conversation wif Dr - on my full body scan day (7/Apr/2010)
before scan
===========
Dr: Hi my hero, how r u feeling
me: I m good Dr.
Dr: Come, sit over there let me check on ur neck and throat
Dr: Well very good, the lump on ur neck is complete gone. The throat look good also
Dr: You can proceed to do the liver and lung scan
After scan
==========
Dr: Ur lung is clear, but there is something still left in ur liver. But this is not something new. We knew it since day 1 u were here.
Me: Dr what u plan to do
Dr: We will try to use oral chemo (medicine) to control it.
Me:(I m totally blank and speechless... just walk out from the office)
Mon conversation wif Dr - on my 1st admission to hospital for oral chemo (12/Apr/2010)
Me: Hi Dr, I need to know more abt my liver. What is the size of the infected area before chemo and after chemo
Dr: We dun realy measure the size. We will identify those area which got problem.
Me: Any diff to it before chemo and after chemo
Dr: Yes, before chemo it was in a solid form, but now it had been in liquid form.
Me: Ok, how abt my nose cancer? Anything still left?
Dr: No, ur nose cancer is completely settled.
Me: Last time you told me that u will use oral chemo (medicine) to control my liver, how long is the whole treatment till it cure?
Dr: No 1 can tell. It all depend on how ur body react to it.
Me: Any past record of shortest and longest time for treatment
Dr: There is no such patient record.
Me: How u gonna know the progress of the liver?
Dr: I know, I can feel it
Me: How u gonna feel it?
Dr: By touching it
Me: (what the fuck... magic????)
Me: Let say the liver don't react as per planned, any symptom that we can see?
Dr: No, liver is a big organ, it will functioning even 50% of it spoiled. You will only get symptom when the liver mulfunction.
Me: Seem like everything is uncertain now, no 1 can give any answer
Dr: Yes at this stage, no 1 can tell.
Me: So how should I tell my sis?
Dr: u wont tell ur sis. Ask ur sis to call me
My medicine
Oral chemo - Capecitabine
Supplement - Pyridoxine
The Result
Nose cancer is completely cleared, and now battling liver cancer. Doc suggest to use oral chemo (medicine). Well medicine, I can swallow any pill, so it is just a small matter for me. But I forgotten 1 thing... it is called Oral CHEMO(it kill CELLS)
1st Dosage
On my 2nd day consuming the medicine, I already feel weak and requested to work from home. It did help. It save my energy used for travelling
2nd Dosage
Gosh, I got weaker and weaker, lose a lot of weight. There is 1 time I laid on the bed most of my time, my mom ask me why, I say I m very tired. My mom ask did u take sugar?? Ohh shit.. I didn't take sugar for 3 weeks. No wonder so tired
3rd Dosage
My doctor got so surprised when he see me lose weight tremendously. He weighted me, 53 kg, previously 58kg. He told me, there is 3 more dosage to go. Holly craps. I cannot take it anymore. I m really tired. I resigned from my job instantly. Luckily my boss agree to let me go as early as possible (it is less than 1 week).
The Lesson
I have no problem taking medicine, so I hope can do it quietly. None of my family know about this and only a few close friend know. But cancer is still cancer. Never take it lightly. I mention before when the fire is small it can be handle easily, but when it turn into flame, then big shit ahead. I myself forgotten this.
I had told my family about this and today my mom cook me a whole meat meal, compare to last time whole vegetable meal. I need meat to generate blood that lost during the oral chemo.
So never hide anything from your family member.
Side effect from the medicine
- numb at my finger
- freezing cold for 1-2 hours then sudden high fever for whole night long. It will gone next day.
I wrote this quite sometimes ago, and I hope it apply for me now
The day I have nothing,
actually I had everything
The day I start to get something
I had lost other thing
The day I have almost everything
I had left almost nothing
The day I stop chasing thing
I do some thinking and writing
The day when you are reading
You think I m bullshitting ???
The day...
Now I have nothing left, hope to get back everything for my body...
before scan
===========
Dr: Hi my hero, how r u feeling
me: I m good Dr.
Dr: Come, sit over there let me check on ur neck and throat
Dr: Well very good, the lump on ur neck is complete gone. The throat look good also
Dr: You can proceed to do the liver and lung scan
After scan
==========
Dr: Ur lung is clear, but there is something still left in ur liver. But this is not something new. We knew it since day 1 u were here.
Me: Dr what u plan to do
Dr: We will try to use oral chemo (medicine) to control it.
Me:(I m totally blank and speechless... just walk out from the office)
Mon conversation wif Dr - on my 1st admission to hospital for oral chemo (12/Apr/2010)
Me: Hi Dr, I need to know more abt my liver. What is the size of the infected area before chemo and after chemo
Dr: We dun realy measure the size. We will identify those area which got problem.
Me: Any diff to it before chemo and after chemo
Dr: Yes, before chemo it was in a solid form, but now it had been in liquid form.
Me: Ok, how abt my nose cancer? Anything still left?
Dr: No, ur nose cancer is completely settled.
Me: Last time you told me that u will use oral chemo (medicine) to control my liver, how long is the whole treatment till it cure?
Dr: No 1 can tell. It all depend on how ur body react to it.
Me: Any past record of shortest and longest time for treatment
Dr: There is no such patient record.
Me: How u gonna know the progress of the liver?
Dr: I know, I can feel it
Me: How u gonna feel it?
Dr: By touching it
Me: (what the fuck... magic????)
Me: Let say the liver don't react as per planned, any symptom that we can see?
Dr: No, liver is a big organ, it will functioning even 50% of it spoiled. You will only get symptom when the liver mulfunction.
Me: Seem like everything is uncertain now, no 1 can give any answer
Dr: Yes at this stage, no 1 can tell.
Me: So how should I tell my sis?
Dr: u wont tell ur sis. Ask ur sis to call me
My medicine
Oral chemo - Capecitabine
Supplement - Pyridoxine
The Result
Nose cancer is completely cleared, and now battling liver cancer. Doc suggest to use oral chemo (medicine). Well medicine, I can swallow any pill, so it is just a small matter for me. But I forgotten 1 thing... it is called Oral CHEMO(it kill CELLS)
1st Dosage
On my 2nd day consuming the medicine, I already feel weak and requested to work from home. It did help. It save my energy used for travelling
2nd Dosage
Gosh, I got weaker and weaker, lose a lot of weight. There is 1 time I laid on the bed most of my time, my mom ask me why, I say I m very tired. My mom ask did u take sugar?? Ohh shit.. I didn't take sugar for 3 weeks. No wonder so tired
3rd Dosage
My doctor got so surprised when he see me lose weight tremendously. He weighted me, 53 kg, previously 58kg. He told me, there is 3 more dosage to go. Holly craps. I cannot take it anymore. I m really tired. I resigned from my job instantly. Luckily my boss agree to let me go as early as possible (it is less than 1 week).
The Lesson
I have no problem taking medicine, so I hope can do it quietly. None of my family know about this and only a few close friend know. But cancer is still cancer. Never take it lightly. I mention before when the fire is small it can be handle easily, but when it turn into flame, then big shit ahead. I myself forgotten this.
I had told my family about this and today my mom cook me a whole meat meal, compare to last time whole vegetable meal. I need meat to generate blood that lost during the oral chemo.
So never hide anything from your family member.
Side effect from the medicine
- numb at my finger
- freezing cold for 1-2 hours then sudden high fever for whole night long. It will gone next day.
I wrote this quite sometimes ago, and I hope it apply for me now
The day I have nothing,
actually I had everything
The day I start to get something
I had lost other thing
The day I have almost everything
I had left almost nothing
The day I stop chasing thing
I do some thinking and writing
The day when you are reading
You think I m bullshitting ???
The day...
Now I have nothing left, hope to get back everything for my body...
Monday, April 19, 2010
20/Apr/2010 - Give them a chance
Last weekend I was invited to join a disabled charity sales. I discovered something totally out from my expectation and must share it here with you.
Read the full story here
Read the full story here
Sunday, April 18, 2010
18/Apr/2010 - The Bomoh
In Malaysia we have a lot of spiritual practice. And we will call the them as Bomoh (Shaman). The story below is a true story, happen to my friend aunty. Both the aunty and uncle are a very well educated person.
My friend aunty was diagnosed with ovary cancer - last stage, critical and need to go for operation. But she is so scare to go for the operation. Somehow someone introduce them a Bomoh, who can perform a ritual to remove the infected ovary without any pain or scar. Of course she was like "Holly God thanks for answering my prayers".
After they pay the Bomoh $10,000 plus, he begin the ritual. She lie down, Bomoh sit beside her. Her husband and all family member sit opposite to witness the ritual. Bomoh put his hand to her waist, then pull out a organ that is still dripping with blood.
After the operation, the whole family beleive that the cancerous ovary were "removed". Few days later she can eat well and sleep well. Yippie I m cured... who need doctor...
The happiness don't last very long. 1 day she felt there is pain in her ovary. They try to contact the Bomoh, but not able to reach him. Finally she can't take the pain anymore and go to seek help from the doctor. The doctor took a scan and show to them, the ovary condition is worsening, must go for operation now. WHAT!!!??? But it is removed... Both are speechless, and she went for the surgery. I don't know how is her progress as I hear this from my friend.
No matter how smart are you, people always take advantage when you are in deep shit. No matter what happen, take a good rest. Don't think so much. Just do what you like in these few days, until your emotion is calm down. Then when your mind is calm, you can think well, all kind of possible solution. An overheated car engine can't run long, but if the engine is completely cooled down, it can run again. Same concept.
As for me, I will invite a few friend to go for dinner (which I called it as final good meal). I will keep on socialize with different group people, forgotten about my own problem, until my emotion is calm down. After that is crisis battling planning. Please contact me if you need help on this. This always work for me. All you need to think is the concept of the overheated car engine above. It just same like your brain.
Below is another disgrace of Malaysia bomoh cheating people money, but got exposed my expert from oversea. Btw I m a proud Malaysian because I m living in a decent way. Those are the people who make Malaysian disgrace.
Part 1
Part 2
My friend aunty was diagnosed with ovary cancer - last stage, critical and need to go for operation. But she is so scare to go for the operation. Somehow someone introduce them a Bomoh, who can perform a ritual to remove the infected ovary without any pain or scar. Of course she was like "Holly God thanks for answering my prayers".
After they pay the Bomoh $10,000 plus, he begin the ritual. She lie down, Bomoh sit beside her. Her husband and all family member sit opposite to witness the ritual. Bomoh put his hand to her waist, then pull out a organ that is still dripping with blood.
After the operation, the whole family beleive that the cancerous ovary were "removed". Few days later she can eat well and sleep well. Yippie I m cured... who need doctor...
The happiness don't last very long. 1 day she felt there is pain in her ovary. They try to contact the Bomoh, but not able to reach him. Finally she can't take the pain anymore and go to seek help from the doctor. The doctor took a scan and show to them, the ovary condition is worsening, must go for operation now. WHAT!!!??? But it is removed... Both are speechless, and she went for the surgery. I don't know how is her progress as I hear this from my friend.
No matter how smart are you, people always take advantage when you are in deep shit. No matter what happen, take a good rest. Don't think so much. Just do what you like in these few days, until your emotion is calm down. Then when your mind is calm, you can think well, all kind of possible solution. An overheated car engine can't run long, but if the engine is completely cooled down, it can run again. Same concept.
As for me, I will invite a few friend to go for dinner (which I called it as final good meal). I will keep on socialize with different group people, forgotten about my own problem, until my emotion is calm down. After that is crisis battling planning. Please contact me if you need help on this. This always work for me. All you need to think is the concept of the overheated car engine above. It just same like your brain.
Below is another disgrace of Malaysia bomoh cheating people money, but got exposed my expert from oversea. Btw I m a proud Malaysian because I m living in a decent way. Those are the people who make Malaysian disgrace.
Part 1
Part 2
Thursday, April 8, 2010
08/Apr/2010 - The finale
Everything will come to the end, nothing will be forever. Guess this is the finale of my blog.
I went for a follow up check. The doctor took my body scan. I waited for the result for almost 1 hour. And the result is here...
Like I say nothing will be forever. What is the value of life, if you live in sadness for 99 years. Wouldn't it be good to live happily, even it is just 365 days- everyday is a happy day?
From now on, whether I live only 365 days, 5 yrs or 10 yrs, I will make sure that "Everyday is a happy day".
Cherish life and do charity.
For new cancer patient, please add me in facebook (lai_1977@yahoo.com) and mail to me, I will reply as long as I m still breathing... as we have been chosen to be the God's Ambassador for cancer
I went for a follow up check. The doctor took my body scan. I waited for the result for almost 1 hour. And the result is here...
Like I say nothing will be forever. What is the value of life, if you live in sadness for 99 years. Wouldn't it be good to live happily, even it is just 365 days- everyday is a happy day?
From now on, whether I live only 365 days, 5 yrs or 10 yrs, I will make sure that "Everyday is a happy day".
Cherish life and do charity.
For new cancer patient, please add me in facebook (lai_1977@yahoo.com) and mail to me, I will reply as long as I m still breathing... as we have been chosen to be the God's Ambassador for cancer
Friday, February 19, 2010
20/Feb/2010 - A letter to Sue
Initially this should be a private letter to Sue but somehow I feel other new cancer patient should read it too. So I put this here
Hi Sue,
Good to hear that you start your treatment immediately. I know you are still working that why I decided to write to u. 6 month ago my doc told me "Chemo will create a lot of stress to u, and u cannot handle it". That time I just laugh at him, coz he dunno me yet. I m a black-belt teakwondo fighter. I tell him I can handle pain very well (yes in fact I do, we expected to recover from pain in 10 seconds and continue to fight). Doc told me it is not the physical pain, but with mental pain too. I don't get what he mean by that...
As when I m having my first 3 chemo treatment, it was like a game for me. I can cope very well. Now from the 4th chemo onward, it is somewhere in Oct or Nov 2009, 1 of the staff left my company haven't fins the replacement yet. The work piles up. And I feel very "heavy" and trust me, it is really "heavy". Luckily I go online every night and talk to my friends to reduce my stress.
And now the dark part of me, as u all know I m travel by train. When going to work I walk slowly, with the crowd to my office. And after work, my tired body and soul waiting for the train. I often spend my time napping in the train station. Every time when I see the train coming, I m smiling. I will stand very close to the rail. Not because I want to get a nice spot to get on the train, but I do hope there is a hand to push me down to the rail and crushed by the train! Yes that is what I m thinking at that moment, everyday! My body and soul is so heavy and if I die I will release all the problems. And since it is crushed by train, that will be classified as accident. My family will get the insurance claim. Luckily me there is no "helping hand" to push me down and I m writing to you now.
Now thinking back the urge to be killed I notice something, it is not easy to die. You need strong courage for it. But to stay alive u will need a even stronger courage.
Talk to ur boss now, ask him to find you a temp replacement for 6-9 month, so u can focus on ur treatment. If ur boss want to sack u for ur illness, then it is not worth to work for him. If ur boss try to get rid of u when u have lesser value to him, will u still want to work for this kind of boss? Trust me when ur body feel "heavy" like my time it will be too late to talk to ur boss to find replacement, coz it need time. Then i hope u will not feel the urge "to get killed" or "commit suicide" like me.
A person mistake should be others lesson. Now I m repeating what my doc say to me 6 month ago "U dunno how much is the stress yet, and u cannot cope with that". I m still laughing now, but laughing at my silly self.
Hi Sue,
Good to hear that you start your treatment immediately. I know you are still working that why I decided to write to u. 6 month ago my doc told me "Chemo will create a lot of stress to u, and u cannot handle it". That time I just laugh at him, coz he dunno me yet. I m a black-belt teakwondo fighter. I tell him I can handle pain very well (yes in fact I do, we expected to recover from pain in 10 seconds and continue to fight). Doc told me it is not the physical pain, but with mental pain too. I don't get what he mean by that...
As when I m having my first 3 chemo treatment, it was like a game for me. I can cope very well. Now from the 4th chemo onward, it is somewhere in Oct or Nov 2009, 1 of the staff left my company haven't fins the replacement yet. The work piles up. And I feel very "heavy" and trust me, it is really "heavy". Luckily I go online every night and talk to my friends to reduce my stress.
And now the dark part of me, as u all know I m travel by train. When going to work I walk slowly, with the crowd to my office. And after work, my tired body and soul waiting for the train. I often spend my time napping in the train station. Every time when I see the train coming, I m smiling. I will stand very close to the rail. Not because I want to get a nice spot to get on the train, but I do hope there is a hand to push me down to the rail and crushed by the train! Yes that is what I m thinking at that moment, everyday! My body and soul is so heavy and if I die I will release all the problems. And since it is crushed by train, that will be classified as accident. My family will get the insurance claim. Luckily me there is no "helping hand" to push me down and I m writing to you now.
Now thinking back the urge to be killed I notice something, it is not easy to die. You need strong courage for it. But to stay alive u will need a even stronger courage.
Talk to ur boss now, ask him to find you a temp replacement for 6-9 month, so u can focus on ur treatment. If ur boss want to sack u for ur illness, then it is not worth to work for him. If ur boss try to get rid of u when u have lesser value to him, will u still want to work for this kind of boss? Trust me when ur body feel "heavy" like my time it will be too late to talk to ur boss to find replacement, coz it need time. Then i hope u will not feel the urge "to get killed" or "commit suicide" like me.
A person mistake should be others lesson. Now I m repeating what my doc say to me 6 month ago "U dunno how much is the stress yet, and u cannot cope with that". I m still laughing now, but laughing at my silly self.
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