20/Feb/2010 - A letter to Sue

Initially this should be a private letter to Sue but somehow I feel other new cancer patient should read it too. So I put this here

---

Hi Sue,

Good to hear that you start your treatment immediately. I know you are still working that why I decided to write to u. 6 month ago my doc told me "Chemo will create a lot of stress to u, and u cannot handle it". That time I just laugh at him, coz he dunno me yet. I m a black-belt teakwondo fighter. I tell him I can handle pain very well (yes in fact I do, we expected to recover from pain in 10 seconds and continue to fight). Doc told me it is not the physical pain, but with mental pain too. I don't get what he mean by that...

As when I m having my first 3 chemo treatment, it was like a game for me. I can cope very well. Now from the 4th chemo onward, it is somewhere in Oct or Nov 2009, 1 of the staff left my company haven't fins the replacement yet. The work piles up. And I feel very "heavy" and trust me, it is really "heavy". Luckily I go online every night and talk to my friends to reduce my stress.

And now the dark part of me, as u all know I m travel by train. When going to work I walk slowly, with the crowd to my office. And after work, my tired body and soul waiting for the train. I often spend my time napping in the train station. Every time when I see the train coming, I m smiling. I will stand very close to the rail. Not because I want to get a nice spot to get on the train, but I do hope there is a hand to push me down to the rail and crushed by the train! Yes that is what I m thinking at that moment, everyday! My body and soul is so heavy and if I die I will release all the problems. And since it is crushed by train, that will be classified as accident. My family will get the insurance claim. Luckily me there is no "helping hand" to push me down and I m writing to you now.

Now thinking back the urge to be killed I notice something, it is not easy to die. You need strong courage for it. But to stay alive u will need a even stronger courage.

Talk to ur boss now, ask him to find you a temp replacement for 6-9 month, so u can focus on ur treatment. If ur boss want to sack u for ur illness, then it is not worth to work for him. If ur boss try to get rid of u when u have lesser value to him, will u still want to work for this kind of boss? Trust me when ur body feel "heavy" like my time it will be too late to talk to ur boss to find replacement, coz it need time. Then i hope u will not feel the urge "to get killed" or "commit suicide" like me.

A person mistake should be others lesson. Now I m repeating what my doc say to me 6 month ago "U dunno how much is the stress yet, and u cannot cope with that". I m still laughing now, but laughing at my silly self.

04/Feb/2010 - Guide for New Cancer Patient

First of all be calm & relax. Welcome to the cancer society. Trust me cancer is not as terrible as what you think.

Here is a few tips that might be useful for you

1. Don't delay - small fire can be pull off easily. Bigger fire need more water and time to pull it off (means longer time and more money). And when fire turn into big flame, it will destroy everything (including life). Cancer won't heal by itself, it will only spread more if you wait longer.
   
2. I had mentioned before, when "caring friend" know you are sick, they tend to approach you to sell something. But if it make your condition worsen, those "caring friend" will not be beside you. Its your doctor who always beside you when you are sick
   
3. I started my treatment immediately. It take 6 month and cost RM20k. I had another mate, who is a survivor, but he wasted a lot of time and money (1 yr and spend almost $100k). Btw if you are young, you can do chemo and radio therapy together, only 7 week (and it is a really tough week)
   
4. During chemo, eat sufficient of meat to recover back loss cell. But don't over eat because you will be fat after that.
   
5. Radiotherapy is really a hard session, some patient stop for a period of time, which is not good, because cancer cell might grow back while you are resting. It is advisable to continuously blast them, so they have lesser chance to survive. I know it is hard in this stage, as I almost give up...
   
6. Socialize, having cancer don't mean you are isolated from the world. Talk to people and it will help to reduce the stress during treatment. And believe me, normal people like to listen to cancer story over and over and over and ... Everyday I chat with my friend online, telling them all the pains... and I feel much better after that
   
7. If can quit working, and fully focus on treatment. I had my painful lesson for my stubbornness (yeah doctor repeatedly ask me to quit my job)
   
8. ... (to be added)
   

My Bucket List

I had listed the item below as my bucket list on my journey to find the meaning of life...

1. Appreciate life. Help other. Please join Facebook group 1Month 1Charity Group. Blog is here 1Month 1Charity Blog
   
2. Seek for God coz he never give up on me, why I give up on him?
   
3. ...(to be added)
   

20/Jan/2010 - 6th & 7th week radiotherapy - The Finale

Finally today is my last day of radiotherapy. I m really tired and exhausted. My treatment had become my treatment. I have not eat proper meal for 5 days due to my ulcer. I m extremely hungry, I even dreaming of eating today! These 5 days my mom blend all my food into juices, since I cannot chew.

How do I feel now? I m really tired. The feel is like I just finished 6 month marathon, I reach the end point on time, without any delay, and waiting for them (doc) to announce if I m qualify or not. Doc will only inform me my progress 6 week later from now. Yeah I will be a free man for 6 week.

Like every reality show, after the finale episode, there will be an interview session with the candidate, I m going to do it later.

a poem for this

10/Jan/2010 - 4th & 5th week radiotherapy

My body manage to cope with chemo treatment very well, less side effect. But this radiotherapy really test me to the MAX. I m not in good condition now. Below is the side effect from my radiotherapy:

1. My mouth ulcer from 2nd week is still here. It give me a painful meal each day. And I have problem talking too
   
2. Headache. On and off will have mild headache. There are 3 times where I have a really terrible headache right after the radiotherapy
   
3. My neck got burned really badly, the skin turn into gray colour and peeled off
   
4. Dry mouth, if I talk my mouth become dry even faster
   

I don't know why I am so vulnerable to radiotherapy. Normally the patient ulcer will start on 3rd week, mine started on 1st week (gosh, there are still 7 weeks to go!). There is a few times where I really broke down. Thinking back what doc say, he is right. There are too many stress to handle. That why he strongly advise to quit my job

1. Chemo stress - Not apply for me, but other will vomit and lose weight
   
2. Radiotherapy stress - create a lot of uncomfortable side effect
   
3. Work stress - Been working like mad since mid of Nov till now.
   
4. Traveling stress - travel between hospital and office, jam and tiring.
   

But I m very close to the end of the treatment (expected end of Jan 2010). I can't quit now, because I have gone too far - no turning back for me. Just hope the time will move very very very fast (REALLY!!!)

And not to forget, any patient out there, please resign and focus on your treatment. Its not easy (SERIOUSLY) to work and taking treatment at the same time. Like what my friend used to say to me,

Your persistent might help to win the battle, but you to lost your kingdom (life)

I wrote this all to prove that doctor is always right, better listen to them. Do I regret to continue working? I will say no because if I never try I never know.

And again for other patient who is reading this now, please quit your job and focus on the treatment first.

21/Dec/2009 - Preparing my bucket list

Well from the movie, bucket list is something that you want to do before they die.

One fine day, I m thinking... how much do I know myself. I asked a few friend about myself. To my surprised they give me a comment that I heard so many times, yet I never pay attention to it. Since I will be reborn with a new body (after this treatment), I gonna heading to a brand new life, why not change my attitude too

So my bucket list will be top 10 bad things that I will change. My friend please give me input to make me a better person, from Mr Perfectionist to Mr Almost Perfect (yeah nobody is perfect)

I will compile it, take 10 comments and put to my next posting- The Bucket List

18/Dec/2009 - 2nd & 3rd week radiotherapy

Kindda tiring, coz I need to travel to hospital and office everyday. The treatment is only 10 minutes.

Side effect from the treatment
1) Mouth become very dry - I drink 1.8 liter of water everyday
2) Sore throat - lazy to talk, coz it will get my mouth dry even faster
3) Mouth ulcer - ouch can't eat for a week. I swallow my food with plain water (Cobra if you r reading this, I bet u laugh out loud, finally I become a REAL python)
4) Body get hot or cold easily

The flu and swollen lump is gone after 2nd week of radiotherapy. Doc say its normal symptom. Lump got swollen coz cancer cell all gather there (guess they try to run away from the radiowave)

I spend my weekend sleeping. I feel like the sleep never enough, I never miss weekend so much. Am I really that tired or I just lazy...